Britney, I want to help you. I want you back to where you once were, or god forbid, moving forward in maturity.

What’s this you’re wearing? This look is not right … for anyone.

Now I’m not going to call you fat or overweight, I am not in the position. But it does seem that you’ve been yo-yoing a lot, which I can fully understand. I won’t say you need to lose weight, but you need to dress for whatever body you have, and remember that you are now 26, not 21.

Those thighs … should not hang out. Please wear longer skirts or jeans (god forbid, once more) when out at night. I want to see you in lots of leggings, leggings all the time with shorter dresses (not short, shortER). And always keep in mind you have to hold your large boobs in. I like you in your old funky style, so you can wear bold, colorful prints.

For accessories: jewelry; Opt for indie designers for one-of-a-kind pieces to reflect your individuality. Diamonds somehow don’t work on you, keep it light and don’t over do anything.

Shoes; try – and stick to – high design and daintier looks. Look sophisticated or up-to-date, even at clubs. Inspire envy in your footwear, for god’s sake. And my goodness, MATCH your outfit with your shoes! Note: they’re called “evening” shoes for a reason. Christian Louboutin may just be your brand.

Bags; wear a bag, always wear a bag. Carry fabulous, bold yet classy bags. My god woman!

Examples:

Almond/light brown hair color

Salon de Maria earrings – Etsy – $24

Cory Lynn Halter dress – Neiman Marcus – $174

Salon de Maria bracelet – Etsy – $39

Marc Jacobs python bag – Neiman Marcus – $2,500

Christian Louboutin shoe – Neiman Marcus – $690

It was work just for me to put this together, it will be very tough for you to stick to some rules. Why not just hire me?