Recently, Mr. Blackwell released his annual worst dressed list for 2005, and although I can’t really disagree with any of his choices, I’m appalled by his lack of creativity. Shooting fish in a fashion barrel, Mr. Blackwell named Britney Spears the worst dressed celebrity of the year. What a daring choice. Raise your hand if you didn’t see that coming. Other choices for Mr. Blackwell’s list were just as uninspired. Mariah Carey, whose ultra-tight, obscenely short dresses dictate that she walk with her legs clenched tightly together for fear that one wrong move will cause her dress to dislodge and boomerang off of her body, hobbled her way onto the list. Paris Hilton, who may or may not even bother to put on clothes to attend an event, also earned a place on Mr. Blackwell’s blacklist. Anna Nicole Smith made the list and deservedly so. She does not dress well. However, I rarely notice what she is actually wearing. I find her clothing to be the least alarming thing about her. I’m much more concerned with her inability to visually focus on any object or person and her slurring nonsensical public speeches peppered with the pleading question “you like my body?” I find myself watching her public appearances with repulsed fascination, knowing full well that I’ll hate myself in the morning. But, I can’t help it. Next was Mary-Kate Olsen, who actually earned second place on Mr. Blackwell’s list, directly behind Ms. Spears. I find anything Mary-Kate wears on her impossibly tiny, bony frame alarming as I fear the weight of the fabric may snap her in half. Perhaps it’s best that she wears baggy, oversized clothes. They at least give the illusion of added bulk. Joining Mary-Kate on the list were Lindsay Lohan and Renee Zellweger, both of whom have made the successful crossover into crazy-skinny, scary-bony land. Rounding out the list were Shakira and Eva Longoria, neither of whom interest me in the least.

Yes, Mr. Blackwell has had his say for another year. Are the ladies on his list fashion impaired? Yes, every one of them. Do they deserve to be on a worst dressed list? Yes, indeedy. But, it seems a bit sad to bid a fashion farewell to 2005 with such a predictable list of celebrities holding the worst dressed titles. So, for your consideration, here are some of my favorite unfashionable moments from this past year. Just add them to Mr. Blackwell’s list.

Raspberry, Lime and Orange, Oh My!
When Kyra Sedgwick had the initial meeting with her dress designer for the 2005 SAG Awards, I suspect the conversation went something like this:
Dress Designer: Ok. So, to get started, we need to focus on what inspires you. This dress needs to really reflect your personality and passion. Does anything come to mind?
Kyra: I like sherbet.
Dress Designer: Uh-huh. Ok. What flavor?
Kyra: All of them.
Dress Designer: Alright. We can definitely incorporate that. Yes, I think we can make that happen. Can you think of anything else?
Kyra: Umm…I don’t know. After dinner mints?
Dress Designer: Great. Fabulous.
Kyra: Ooo, and Endora from Bewitched.
Dress Designer: Brilliant. Consider it done.

Stop Slouching and Take off that Sack!
Every time I see Maggie Gyllenhaal I am struck not only by her awful fashion sense, but also her terrible posture. When my mother told me to stand up straight and stop slouching, I never realized how important it could be until I saw Ms. Gyllenhaal on the red carpet. Mothers should use photos of her as a warning to their children. “Be careful kids. If you don’t stop slouching, you’ll end up looking like this. Is that what you want? Well, is it? I didn’t think so.” Whenever I see her photos, she looks like she lives in her own painful world where the gravitational pull is at least ten times stronger than normal. This is clearly indicated in this photo, taken at the world premiere of Brokeback Mountain, where every part of her body is heading south. Her shoulders, in a desperate attempt to distance themselves from her limp, lifeless hair, are trying to dislocate, drop to the ground and crawl to freedom. Her breasts, left without any visible means of support, have decided to sneak down for a secret meeting with her navel. They’ve been meeting a lot lately, as Maggie appears to have sworn off bras for life. Perhaps they are discussing what’s going on with this ensemble below the waist. Tights with open toed strappy sandals? Tragic. I don’t care how many people say it’s a trend. It’s unattractive. And, to make matters worse, these tights are shiny. Shiny. For the love of God, someone help her.

The Girl in the Bubble
This has definitely been a memorable year for Fergie. I’ve seen countless pictures of her looking like some sort of demented Oliver Twist with a paper route. Or, Oliver Twist with a bladder control problem. Yes, by now we’ve all seen the infamous picture of Fergie wetting her pants during a performance. But, I find this photo of Fergie taken at the 2005 Emmy Awards much more shocking. Where is her midriff? Covered in basic black? How can this be? Gone are the newsboy cap, long braids, and weirdly high-waisted pants. It’s as if she actually…I can’t believe I’m saying this…thought about her ensemble. I think she actually… tried. Truth be told, I’m not wild about the bubble skirt, but the shape was actually chosen for practical reasons. The inside of the skirt was custom-made for Fergie and was actually stuffed with absorbent cotton padding and then lined with rubber to help prevent any embarrassing leaks. Should that have failed, reservoirs constructed within the excess folds of fabric would have contained any spillage.

She Looks So Lifelike
When I saw this dress at the 2005 Emmy Awards, I couldn’t help but think that Sandra Oh looked like a paper doll come to life. This dress fascinated me. It was the stiffest, most unbendable dress I had ever seen. I wondered what it was made of. Papier Maché? Aluminum foil? Spray-painted cardboard? The possibilities were endless. Then, at last, I caught a glimpse of this dress from the back and I began to understand. It was much like the paper dolls I had known and loved as a child. The dress was actually just a front panel constructed out of injection molded plastic. Replacing the paper tabs were two plastic prongs on either side that Ms. Oh simply snapped onto her waist. There was actually no back to it at all. For modesty’s sake, Ms. Oh wore a strapless leotard. While attending the after parties, Ms. Oh was able to change her look as she party hopped by simply snapping off the plastic front and snapping on a new one. She had four different ones made for the occasion. In addition to the original silver, there was a red one with snap-on gloves, a pink one with a snap-on capelet and a leopard print one with a very stylish snap-on pillbox hat.

Meet Ginnifer Goodwin
Hi. My name is Ginnifer and I love the Jetsons. And really, really shiny material. So, you can imagine how thrilled I was when I found this dress for the Walk the Line premiere. Ok, it didn’t look like this when I found it. I mean, it was shiny. But, umm, it didn’t really have that space-age feel yet. It was just a strapless dress. A wicked awesome, floral, grandma print strapless dress, but I knew it needed more. When I put it on for the first time and looked in the mirror, I realized that a dress that not only renders my waist non-existent but also pancakes my breasts and pulls them down so far that they become one with my torso just wasn’t enough. So, I thought WWJJD? What would Judy Jetson do? The puffy silver trim around the neck and arms was my idea.

Everyone Out of the Pool
Gwen Stefani channeled Esther Williams at the 2005 Billboards Music Awards by wearing what appears to be an entire floral bouquet on her head and an après pool cover-up robe. The only thing missing from her ensemble is the protective nose pincher. Unless your stage performance includes an aquatic ballet, this is definitely a fashion misstep. Justified or not, I hold celebrities lauded as style icons to a higher standard. I want them to make statements and wear clothes in a way I could never imagine. I want to see them attend events that will never appear on my social calendar draped in gorgeous clothes and jewels out of my price range. Is that too much to ask? In this case, sadly, it was. I realized after seeing this outfit that I own something similar to the dress worn by Ms. Stefani. I wore it this morning after I got out of the shower. In my fashion universe, this should never happen. I should never be able to duplicate a celebrity look by leaving the house in my bathrobe and crazy gluing grocery store flowers to my head. But, although this ensemble is far from stylish, I’m sure she is an inspiration to synchronized swimmers everywhere.

Deck the Halls with Jessica Simpson
Yes, yes I know. She’s on Mr. Blackwell’s list. But, she is a perfect closer for the year that was 2005. This past November, Jessica Simpson announced to all that she was already getting into the holiday spirit by wrapping herself in a Christmas tablecloth to attend the Gucci Spring 2006 Fashion Show. Unfortunately, just before this photo was taken she took off her tinsel pashmina and put down her baguette inlaid with twinkle lights so you don’t really get the full effect. Ok, I exaggerate, but this dress is just too much. If you’re going to make a fashion statement this literal, why stop at just Christmas? She could’ve easily incorporated the other major holidays of the season into her ensemble. Why not add a tiara fashioned to represent the traditional Kwanzaa Kinara? Or a belt adorned with 14K gold gelt charms to pay homage to Hanukkah? But, Ms. Simpson did not go that extra holiday mile. As a result, we are simply left to wonder what could have been.

Well, there you have it. Goodbye to 2005. I’m already working on my list for next year. We’re kicking off the 2006 awards season and I know I won’t be disappointed.