Lindsay Lohan, First

Lindsay Lohan, I repeat much of what I said to miss Hilary Duff.

I saw your new video, “First” (which is ironically titled, I think, it alludes to a star’s ego). “First” of all, you need to take a writing class, since professional-penners with integrity (which true talent leads to) don’t seem to flock to the teenybopper likes of yourself. It’s not your fault for being young and once freshed-face and quite delightful, the problem is whom you’ve become. And, I’m sorry, but you also cannot go from inexperienced actress to serious musician. One can’t even get into the music business without serious flak. You’re not a rocker, and you probably can never become one, just because of what your image is.

Which brings me to the Blonde, which admittedly looks hot paired with those big, white shades, and your coy smile. But — well, okay, you still look hot, but you have to remember that originality is important, and your auburn locks were gorgeous. Keep that in mind, and do what you like, but …

one thing that I can’t leave out: You can afford to eat some Wendy’s. Your hips are looking disproportionately slim in those sleek high-waisted pants with buttons and a look reminiscent of a simpler, more elegant early 1900s decade. It’s nice to remember our innocent youths, and there’s a lesson in yours; you were so beautiful. Unlike most of us, it’ll be easy for you to get it back, and quite fun with all those Hot Fudge Sundaes.