Ah. The Golden Globes. The glitz. The glamour. The fashion. The really bad, stilted red carpet interviews. I watched three networks last night filming live from the red carpet and there was only one man who held my interest. One man who shocked me. One man, who may or may not have been on a healthy dose of muscle relaxers. That man, ladies and gentlemen, was Isaac Mizrahi. Over on the E! Network, Isaac was paired with Ryan Seacrest in a diva smack-down. It was painfully clear that the two men couldn’t stand one another but, the Seacrest was easily overshadowed by the undisputed queen of the red carpet banter. It was the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time while watching an awards pre-show. I hope he’s there next year and I hope they supply him with alcohol.

Here are some highlights:

Seacrest Vs. Mizrahi
Right from the start it was catty. Ryan Seacrest introduced Isaac by saying that he was “one of the only men in America who actually makes me look butch”. To which Isaac replied, “Butch? Ryan, wait a second. Your secret’s out, darling. There’s no way to look butch.”

When the celebrities started arriving on the red carpet, Isaac’s main obsessions seemed to be astrology and underwear. He asked almost everyone he interviewed what their sign was and if they were wearing any underwear. And, he wanted details, details, details.

For his interview with Teri Hatcher, he began by saying her dress was a “big dress for a big lady”. He did not, of course, mean that she was a large woman, just a big star. Throughout the interview he inappropriately palmed her stomach and looked down the front of her dress in an attempt to locate her acceptance speech.

When Eva Longoria talked about having a fake spray-on tan, Isaac said, “Is it like bikini or is it…what is it down there? Is it like a whole…what is it down there? Your body hair? Is it done tonight or what? Is it a special job tonight or what?” To which Eva Longoria replied, “Whaaaat?!?”

Overcome by George Clooney’s masculinity, Isaac admitted to being a bit nervous. George said he calmed his nerves by having a drink. He then asked if Isaac had any booze to which Isaac replied, “I don’t have any booze, but I should do that. Wow. I have some prescription drugs, but anyway, you know who knows a lot about booze and prescription drugs? Ryan Seacrest. Darling, back to you.”

When he found out that Natalie Portman was not carrying a purse he was horrified. “What if you meet someone and you need a credit card or a condom or something like that?”

He showed some restraint with the elegant Candace Bergen and waited a full thirty seconds before grabbing her handbag and looking through it. He said, “I love your hair. I want my hair to look like that someday.”

And finally, Scarlett Johansson. He was fascinated by her cleavage and the amount of support she had in her dress. When she explained that it was all built in, he leaned in saying, “I just wanna feel it” and proceeded to grope Scarlett’s left breast for about ten seconds. All Scarlett could manage to say was, “what is going on?” I hadn’t seen anything quite like this since Diana Ross jiggled Lil’ Kim. Although he insisted it was research, he did spend the remainder of the interview chanting “I touched Scarlett’s boobs.”

In your face, Seacrest.